The Victim Mentality

 

Narcissistic Descent Into Alcoholism

 Around the time that my ex-husband and I were living in Sherman Oaks and he was working on a huge and important project, he began his descent into alcoholism with what is commonly called Boiler Makers.

His temper was just under the surface and if you looked at him wrong and he would flair up into one of his alcoholic rages and throw his captain's chair and yelling...lots of yelling.

Then his nocturnal wandering began.  

He would rise from his sleep and start looking for a place to pee. He would pee in the trash in the kitchen a lot, go outside into our back yard and he even tried to pee in my closet.

With four children to raise he no longer was the center of attention and that did not sit very well with his narcissistic personality. He held a pretty important position and had people "yes siring" him all day at work.  He needed that type of adoration at home and it wasn't happening.   

When a narcissist sees you as being too strong, this is what they'll do ...

The Beginning of The end

 It's hard to say exactly what the tipping point was that ushered in my plan to rid myself of my alcoholic ex-husband, the one day does stand out in my memory as being a critical point.

My ex-husband kept complaining about my housekeeping, parenting, shopping and then he said he never had anytime to himself.  To accommodate him I began taking our four children to church more regularly and ended up a deaconess and took over the running of the churches' nursery room.   

I did this as a way for my ex-husband to have some alone time. It worked out well for awhile and then he started complaining about how it wasn't enough.  I was getting pretty tired of his complaining  to me about me ALL of the time so I decided to quit the church and stay home on Sundays with OUR children. Now, he was back to square one.

I decided that since he didn't want to be around the children all of the time I could divorce him and he could be alone as much as he wanted except for his children's visitation days.

My ex-husband couldn't even bring himself to say alcoholic, instead he called himself a "juice head" and left it at that.  This concession was way after we were divorced.

A woman doesn't do everything she can to ensure that her children have a healthy start by eating right, drinking lots of water, no smoking, no drinking no unnecessary medications. A woman doesn't breast feed her children, make her own baby food and use cloth diapers for the first six months only to take them apart emotionally, psychology and mentally down the road.  

The ex-husband had plenty of time to put together a plan of action to negatively impact our children's view of me because while married he was always stopping over at his parent's house and complaining about me. It got so bad that his mother started tripping at a family holiday dinner when I asked my eldest daughter to fetch a diaper so I could burp my baby son. "Doesn't she do anything?" she yelled. 

Who the hell do you think got up every morning and got all four children ready for the day? Needless to say that was the end of having any family holiday meals at his parent's home. I wasn't going to voluntarily go to his parent's home to put up with that crap.

After watching Dr. Phil's podcast on Narcissists I realized why my ex-husband was always complaining about me
, yelling at me and why he became violent toward me...he couldn't control me like some Stepford Wife and have me be a bobble head "yes" wife.

Only a Super Empath Can Destroy The Narcissist, Here’s How

Living With Alcoholic Rage and Narcism

 I want to touch base on a few issues to reiterate why my ex is a narcissist.

When my ex was told to leave one of his parting shots was "I am the reason you write." During the whole time we were together my ex did not write anything nor did he go to college to write like I did.

Telling my daughter I would come on another day for her daughter's birthday because my ex was going to be there is not "weaponizing" the grandchildren.  It is protecting myself from a narcissist for whom I have a restraining order.  The ex is "weaponizing" the children to use (yet another) family occasion to have at me. Protecting oneself from a narcissist is not being a narcissist.

Smacking the right side of my face because my ex did not like my answer is a narcissist.  Doing it while drunk is also an alcoholic rage event.  My right eye was twitching before surgery from my ex's smack across the right side of my face.

Having one of the children visit another child just prior to Mother's Day in order to create a situation over something I ultimately did NOT do is a narcissist.  Ruined Mother's Day with the sibling in question. 

For my youngest daughter to tell everyone that she is done with her sibling's rage issues, but expecting me to put up with their father's very same issue (maybe worse) is just plain ignorant. 

These are just a few of the thousands of times my ex has created situations that demonstrate his narcissistic tendencies.

"You're A Drunk. You're An Alcoholic. You're A Rageaholic." -- Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil - The Malignant Narcissist (Part 3)

Covid 19 and Loss Of Vision, Dental Issues and Alcoholism

 Haven't been writing because I had cataracts that made it feel like I was looking through an onion skin and it was very painful to look at the computer screen or telephone. In addition to the cataracts my ex smacked me across the right side of my face which caused my right eye to twitch up until the surgery when it was fixed. The UCLA Long Covid Clinic is of the opinion that having Covid and Long Covid twice acerbated my cataracts and caused an infection in my gums that would not go away without oral surgery.

As we head into Summer, my gum issues are under control and I have had surgery on one eye and the other in the future.  I was working on a book about growing up on the Sunset Strip, getting arrested for curfew and the ultimate riot on Sunset Strip. I intend to include what it is like to live with a Narcissist. I will soon be picking up where I left off.

Alcohol in the lives of my family and its effects have become quite a concern.  It is a tough pill to swallow when you remember that your ex used to give one of our children alcohol as a child.  They would get drunk and he would laugh. I asked several times for him to stop, but to no avail.  That child is now an out of control alcoholic. If what one of their siblings is saying is true, this child has been drinking since high school.

When I refused to fund this child recently they lashed out at me with very unkind words which I am sure once they get sober will be embarrassed about.  I even went so far as to remind that child why one of their siblings no longer wants to speak to them...Rages.

It is a sad situation indeed, and all I can hope for is that one of their siblings will take pity and take care of their sibling's need for rehab, or the father that needs to step up.  I would rather lose this child to my ex than have them land out on the streets because they will never be able to handle it.

While I am not sure how much of what this child has been saying to me is true and/or is just a manipulative ploy, I just want to see ALL of my children get along and get past the negativity that they've been fed and the angry hostility to ebb. The last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster with my emotional buttons being pushed in all manner of manipulative ways. 

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Phil in the Blanks: Covert Narcissist -Toxic Personalities in the Real W...

How To Handle A Narcissist - Dr. Phil

Phil in the Blanks: Toxic Personalities in the Real World Part 1 - How T...

On Domestic Violence Part 3: Bit's & Pieces

 

During our most recent elections I threw in with Hydee Feldstein Soto as our new City Attorney.  I endorsed her to most of my friends, neighbors and on social network platforms as she is the first candidate to make Domestic Violence a priority.  She has stated that 30 percent of homeless women are homeless because of Domestic Violence which I could relate to...my ex decided one day that he was no longer going to pay me child support because he had other pressing issues.  My 4 children and I could have ended up homeless. Because I refused to accept that demand and his ensuing bullying, he paid it after a delay...you cannot go against a court order.  FYI this was one of his frequent alcoholic rages that he would wait until the children were not around to exhibit. 

Soto read my first blog on Domestic Violence and saw the collage that is about the effects upon female's brains as a result of Domestic Violence...it is titled "Beer With A Chaser."  She was also given written permission to use the piece anyway she wanted.

When my children and I moved out of our house and into an apartment that was owned by our attorney I thought that we would be safe from his outbursts, but no such luck.  

By the time we moved into this building I was in therapy for Domestic Violence and was being treated for an acute case of PTSD.  During our time at this residence social services came to visit looking for a prostitute (me) I was constantly being harassed by police  because they thought I was a prostitute, shot at with a paint pellet gun, my eldest son had the crap beat out of him by two police as he was going to the market for me.  Because of a local government program I was able to get help dealing with the emotional abuse I was experiencing.  The doctor suggested that it might be my ex that was behind all of the problems I was experiencing. The doctor had access to all information related to my situation which included police reports that were incriminating against my ex.  I had a hard time accepting that my ex could be so contemptible.

At the time all of this harassment I was going to college studying ECE (Early Childhood Education) and Journalism.  I had an A/4.0 GPA in spite of all the efforts to keep it from happening.  My ex was telling our children that I hadn't even graduated high school at the time.  In spite of all the manipulation and bullying, I made it. While in high school I studied ECE and writing as well as art. I had been writing since I learned how to spell and write and yet my ex screamed at me that if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be writing.  This "writer" graduated high school by the seat of his pants because I'm guessing he thought that he was too smart for high school. He never went to college to study anything let alone writing.  He used to yammer on about Citizen News "almost" hiring him to write for them, but then they closed...how convenient. 

I would communicate one paragraph and he would write a ten page screed that rambled on and on and used the tiniest print he could find.  Yeah, the Citizen News wanted him to write for them.  LOL

Every therapist I've gone to has advised me to cut off all communication with him until he can be civil, stay sober and admit his alcoholism and subsequent abuse.    I finally listened and that is when he went to work on our children.  Using your children to get back at the ex while professing your love for them is contemptible.   To this day, he has never owned any of his aberrant  behavior toward me. He has used two family events to attack me which is when I said enough.  

As for my cheating on him, I cheated with my eldest son's father.  I did so in order to receive some positive input instead of the constant onslaught of: no one cares about what you have to say, you are nothing without me, you are so stupid, you are such a lousy wife and mother etc, etc. I am not making excuses for myself, but am explaining how my ex's alcoholism affected me.  I needed to hear some positive input. The "you wouldn't be writing if it wasn't for me" was stated when I threw him out.

Come to think of it, I never saw him write anything publishable during our entire relationship.

In the opening I posted two things that I have posted on social networking sites.  Parental Alienation is the professional term for what my ex did and still does and the second one is why he turned to trying to destroy me for revenge. 

Up until recently I was scared that he would get into my security building somehow and kick in my door (like he used to do at our house) and try to finish the job of destroying me.  I have found out that he is blind from glaucoma and cannot drive any longer.  Plus, if he's telling the truth he is suffering from Parkinson's Disease which often afflicts alcoholics.  

I feel a bit safer now and have advised the office to not allow any of my children or ex husband into my current apartment building because they are not welcome the way that they are.  

Warning Signs for Potential Domestic Violence

                            Beer & A Chaser                       

 It was this blog's intention to follow-up it's first blog on alcohol fueled domestic violence rather swiftly, but Covid and then Long Covid got in the way.  The symptoms of Long Covid are starting to ease up and we are having better days now.

In our first blog, we touched on the alcoholic's rage driven by their drinking and their explosive, violent and unpredictable behavior.  This blog will focus on three of those behaviors.  

Abusive mates tend to attempt to segregate their spouses from friends, family and the outside world as much as possible.  This is to ensure no interruption in the "grooming" process.

In our case, the spouse was very agitated when friends would come to visit.  We would try to get some privacy so that we could have girl-talk without interruptions.  The spouse got so agitated by my two friends and I that he began hanging outside the window of the room we were in and "working" on something.

The spouse would become so threatened by any friend's presence that he would become rude and surly to visiting friends in order to run them off. After a while, my friends would just call and if I wasn't there he would not pass on the message.

The spouse got so possessive that he would become enraged at anyone that would dare to speak to me and would give them very menacing looks if he happened upon a conversation.  Things progressed to the point that the spouse would not allow me to go to the market.  He went instead effectively eliminating any chance of a person engaging me in a friendly conversation.

In addition, he would buy what he wanted and I would have to cook it.  Menus that were not of my choosing were the rule when he shopped.  If I asked for something he would not get it and would tell me that they were out of it.

As was stated in the first blog, when a spouse or significant other tells you "No one is interested in what you have to say" or "No one cares about what you have to say" it is time to get out because that means that the spouse is going to escalate their possessive behavior.  They are priming or grooming you to not speak to people in case you let their escalating abuse slip out.  

Not all abuse is due to drug or alcohol abuse.  It is rooted in a deep insecurity and the drugs and alcohol aid in bringing it to the surface.

Los Angeles recently voted for a new City Attorney and we backed Hydee Feldstein Soto because of her stated goal of striving to aid women that are victimized by their "mates" and giving them the kind of legal recourse our system is supposed to give, but too frequently the police take the aggressive spouse's side and blame the victim.  

There is the winking and the silent nod that it is her fault and basically do nothing except warn the aggressive party.  Hopefully, that will end with Soto. We've told Soto that she could use our most recent college titled "Beer & A Chaser."  It is at the top of this blog.

Unfortunately, if there are children in the relationship there is a very real chance that they will be used as tools to do harm, hurt, segregate or worse to inflict more harm upon their "victim".

The following is an excerpt from a description on domestic violence: "When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you.  The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth."  This is what perpetuators of domestic violence do with their very own children that they purport to love.

The following is an example of that tendency to use the children as tools. 

In 2020/21 we were concerned for our eldest daughter and asked our youngest son to please drive down south to check in on her and help her out.  He refused stating school and work.

Then in May, 2022 just before Mother's Day, he drives down to see his sister and tells her about my evil plot to get a power of attorney over her.

This subject did come up at the behesting  of our eldest son.  He nagged at me endlessly and made me a wreck.  So much of a wreck that I went to see a therapist to help sort it all out.  It was never really my intention to do it.  I sent our eldest son and youngest daughter the papers and requirements to them to sort out.  If they wanted it so damn bad then they could do it.  In retrospect what/who was the driving force behind this? Those were the only two that knew and who were pushing for it.

We had TOLD our eldest daughter that the controversy surrounding her had caused me to seek out therapy in order to get the real issue sorted.  The therapist is the one that determined that this whole thing was more than likely orchestrated from behind the scenes...maybe former spouse. In addition, she stated that the whole scenario was more than likely the real issue...domestic violence.  

For what end beyond hurting is not clear, but once we found out that the ex-spouse had Parkinson's from his drinking she did put forward the concept that maybe he was looking to enlist my aid in the care of him.  LOL, yeah like that's ever going to happen.

Since the youngest son isn't speaking to me it is hard to tell what exactly he said and where it came from.  I have NEVER denied looking into Power of Attnorney, but it was never done.  My eldest daughter yelled "Don't lie about it" as if I am some sort of pathological liar.  

The end result is that she is not speaking to me either over something I DIDN'T DO.  That is the pretzel logic that my ex is capable of...setting me up even if I didn't follow through on his scheme. 

Has my youngest son gone to see her since he trashed our relationship? Did he go to work with her or move in next door to her?  She had these plans on her mind thinking that he cared about her.

The funny twist to all of this is that yes, our children are not speaking to me.  In doing that, the ex has effectively cut off any information on me since none of them know.  I've also made it clear that I do not want to be discussed with any of them.  This was something that the eldest son could not do so he was cut-off.

If any of my children want to know about me then they are going to have to come to me on their own without dialog from their father.