On Domestic Violence 

After being silent on the subject of domestic violence perpetrated upon me by now ex-husband, I have decided to speak on it and acknowledge that I am a victim of a drunken alcoholic for over 40 years and no, it did not end after the divorce.

Suffice it to say that my eldest son and I fell victim to his drunken rages many times during the 10 years the I stayed married to him.  The drinking never let up.  Whenever I would call him out on it I would hear bull shit like it's only beer.  Yeah, beer with a Jack Daniels chaser.  

I threw him out around three times and each time he promised to get help. Each time he never got help like AA.  He would say things like "I would like to talk to you about it instead."  Of course after a few weeks he was back to his abusive rages, name calling, pounding stuff, throwing stuff. Each time though it was much worse than the time before.

I even tried get help via family counseling and that did not help because the focus was put on me and what an incompetent mother and person I am while his drinking was never addressed.  This is typical behavior for an alcoholic, they cast aspersions on everyone else to keep the truth of their alcoholism hidden. If it's hidden and not discussed it doesn't exist.

The last straw for me came one Halloween Eve when he came home and got drunk and expected me to take our 4 children trick or treating.  I had just had abdominal surgery and was in no shape to do it, but I did because if I didn't the children would be disappointed. I paid for that later with excessive scar tissue etc.

The last time the subject of Halloween Eve was brought up he kept insisting I was ok with it and wanted to...nothing about his being too drunk to do it.  That is another ploy of an alcoholic...their victim is always ok with it.

When I finally threw him out for good and petitioned for a divorce he went off the deep end and would come to the house when our children weren't there and kick in the front door, kick walls and cabinets and throw things.  One time he did it, it was about his not paying child support for that month.  He left thinking he had sufficiently put me in such an heightened state of PTSD  that I would let him get away with it. No, I pulled a legal maneuver and he had to pay which caused another drunken rage at my home.

He would get a cat for the kids and send it home to me without asking and other such tactics.  He told the kids when they were in high school that they could skip school and hang out at his place, which they often did.  I got so tired of being lectured by the school that I told them to call their father's place and leave a message because that was where they were.

We mustn't forget about the spousal put downs of myself so that in time any lie he decided to tell them (like I never graduated high school or one time I gave him my crystals to hold because "they" were after me) they would believe it.  There are so many lies he has told that I will not take up space citing them all.

I did get a restraining order on him, but never enforced it because I did not want to put him in a bad light to his children...stupid me.  After all he didn't seem to mind putting me in a bad light. 

When things got too crazy on his end I decided to let 3 of my children live with him when 1 asked to move in with him.  I thought that the alcoholic mind games would end there, but they didn't.  With my 3 children by him lived under his roof the behavior became more unstable.

I was always getting phone calls from LAPD and would have to tell them they don't live with me.  Speak to their father.  One time I had a cop call me yelling at me at the top of his lungs and I had to hang up on him.  At one point the City Attorney's office or the District Attorney's office tried to insist that I take parenting classes with my ex.  I sent them copies of things that proved I wasn't the parent that needed the classes and a copy of my restraining order plus certification of a diagnosis of PTSD from him.  Everything they have in those PACT classes while you are in the process of getting a divorce he broke.

In retrospect, having my children live with him was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.  People with PTSD do not make good choices and decisions a lot of the time and he kept me off kilter with my PTSD to keep it that way.  

After a few incidents at my ex's apartment for holiday get togethers where he would get drunk and rage I decided that would never happen again.  2 of my children stopped speaking to me in 2011.  The 3rd stopped talking to me in 10/15 when I refused to come to her daughter's birthday party because the ex was going to be there, I did tell her I was willing to come another day.  She told her sister that I was using my grandchildren as a weapon.  A weapon of what...who knows.  I was only trying to protect myself from an abusive alcoholic.  I've run this scenario by mental health professionals and they all go "what?"  

I have not seen 2 of my grandchildren by my youngest daughter since 10/15 and have never met my grandson. My youngest son isn't really speaking to me that much, my eldest daughter is starting to come around.  The eldest is caught in the middle of this alcoholic drama by his youngest sister.  It took awhile to get him to understand what was really going on. In fact I had to send him a box of See's suckers to get the point across. The ex is still trying to hide his alcoholism by casting me in an unflattering light while he is the victim.  He is a victim alright, of his own doing. 

For decades I've been afraid of his getting into where I live and kicking in my front door again.  Where I am at now I had an inside lock that fits into the door jamb as an extra layer of protection.  Turns out I don't need it as he has glaucoma so bad that he cannot drive and couldn't see his way to my apt let alone kick in the door.

If this helps anyone to leave an abusive alcoholic drunk then I will be happy.  Alcoholics will abuse you, manipulate you and do everything they can to protect their secret.  They usually hold all of the people around them in contempt because they can be manipulated and they think they are of a far more superior mentality. 

I am staging an art show soon and one of the pieces is about his abuse of me emboldened by his beer with a Jack Daniels chaser. I am in a group of women who have faced the same scenario in their relationships.  Beware when they say to you "Shhhh, no one cares to hear what you have to say" as it's the beginning of the end.

5/22 I've heard from someone that my ex is getting old and is shaking so everyone has to tread lightly because he's dying.  Yeah right, nice loop hole escape from facing any earthly consequences for his abhorrent behaviors.  Some of my children are so ignorant about him that they'll fall for it and try to circumvent any attempt to call him out.  FYI when the last round of his BS lies and mind games came I sought the help of a mental health professional to guide me through a virtual minefield of head games and lies. Writing blogs about his abuse and creating art about it came from the professional as well as talking about it to the public and not just the mental health professional.   

***please do not ask me to take this down as it's the truth...my truth and it stays up.